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Living the Dream: My Journey to Fulfillment
‘Everything happens for a reason’ is the most disrespectful way to tell me life has no plan for me.
For most of my life, I’ve felt like a walking contradiction. I confuse people — and, to be honest, I’ve confused myself. I have a happy personality, but beneath that, there’s a soul that feels deeply sad at times. I’m bold enough to dream big, yet shy enough to doubt myself. I love with intensity, but sometimes I question if I even feel at all. Anyone who has actually been that sad can tell you that there’s nothing beautiful or literary or mysterious about depression.
I’m healing and hurting at the same time. I’m dedicated to growth, but I self-sabotage in ways I don’t even fully understand yet. My life has been a strange dance between trying to better myself and feeling stuck in patterns I didn’t choose but somehow inherited. For so long, I thought my worth was tied to how well I could manage other people’s emotions. I lived my life in guilt — crippling, unrelenting guilt — because I believed I was responsible for how people around me felt. If they were upset, I thought it was my fault. If they reacted poorly to something I said or did, I thought I had to fix it. I internalized their feelings as my failures and made it my job to keep the peace, even at the cost of my own.
