How Do I Forgive Myself For Mistakes My Mother made?

What is a home if not the first place you learn to run from?

I’ve been dealing with my depression since 2020 and it’s been getting worse lately. Sometimes I can’t control myself not to hurt myself, I still try to distract myself to prevent negative thoughts from haunting my mind, I do my best.

I remember feeling trapped throughout my childhood. As if here was no escape, as if I was born into a cycle of pain and lack love or empathy. My house was not a home. I could hear shouting from any direction. I was born into a battlefield with the expectation should make it. Remembering clearly how my mother shouted at me, beat and humiliated me in public, You taught me to fear anyone who love me as they could be lying, I grew up with it.

Dear Mom,

You do not love me, you control me. And leave me all alone. To blame myself and cry for help even when I know no one will come. Please learn to love yourself. It is impossible for you to love me when you treat yourself miserably. You deserve to be happy but you cannot be if you continue this way. I can’t fix you, Only you can. Please don’t hurt me out of your own insecurity. I do best my best for you. I’m sorry when you are sick I don’t want to take care of you because my inner child has been hurt since I was 10 you said bad things when I was…